I, the Guilty
Bursting my own bubble one delusion at a time. Poke around as you please.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Intramuros
Bakit
kailangan pang subukan ang isang bagay na alam na alam mo naman ang
kahahantungan? Hindi ba puwedeng matuto ka na lang sa mga kwentong paulit-ulit
mo nang narinig? O kaya nama’y sa mga sarili mong kwentong may pagkakatulad din
naman ng takbo sa kasalukuyan. Kailangan ba talagang madapa ka na naman para
lang matutunan ang isang bagay na alam mo na rin naman talaga sa kaibuturan mo?
Katangahan ba talagang matatawag ito? O sadyang ang puso ay walang pakialam? Walang
patawad. Paasahin ka, araw-gabi, dahil lang nginitian ka nya nang pagkatamis
habang sambit ang pangalan mo. Dahil lang hindi mo makuhang limutin ang init ng
kanyang yakap, ang tamis ng kanyang halik. Dahil isang gabi, ipinaramdam nya sa’yo
kung gaano ka kahalaga sa kanya. Subalit sapat na ba talagang dahilan ang lahat
nang ‘yon? Upang sa susunod na mga araw ay mangulila ka sa tunog ng kanyang
boses? At ang mga gabi'y magmistulang araw na rin, dahil sa tuwing pagpikit mo ay
ang liwanag ng kanyang titig ang bumubungad sa'yong gunita? Sapat na
bang umasa ka sa isang bagay na magkatotoo man ay magdudulot din ng di masukat
na sakit sa iba pang mga tao, na parang kailan lang ay sila ring nagpalundag sa
inyong nahihimlay na mga puso? Sapat na bang isantabi, kalimutan ang lahat para
lang malaman ang sagot sa’yong mga katanungan? Sapat na bang subukan mong punan
ang pagkukulang na ni sa hinagap ay di mo inakalang naroroon? Sapat na ba ang
minsan para sa kailanman?
Monday, September 24, 2012
IN THE END.. [This Ain’t A Love Letter, Pt. 2]
“Do not think of my Love as old and tarnished, but constantly growing and renewing in its own midst. To this very day, I love you. I simply and truly do.” I still remember how I felt back when I wrote that part. I remember being filled with an overwhelming need to convey what I was feeling then, possibly for fear of the emotions escaping me, rendering me without a memory of that particular instant. And when it comes to you, Beng, I don’t ever want to forget. You are my rock. Always have been, always will be. With you around, I know it can’t be that bad. I know I can make it through whatever. Damn, I swore to keep this mush-free, but I just can’t help it. Now that you’re gone.
They say it’s just one year, that it will simply fleet by, that you’d be back again before I know it. But all I know is I can barely get through the day without stopping in my tracks and clutching my chest at the thought of you being so far away. They say it just takes some getting used to, that I will be alright in no time. But I don’t want to get used to this. I can’t be alright like this. I don’t want us to become just another two people initially parted by distance and time and eventually by our own mutual desistance.
Right now I’m flooded by memories of time spent with you and by reminders of time I could’ve spent with you. I don’t even care to think about other people. On your side or on mine. I’d rather think back on the time when it was just you and me, and everyone else was just instrumental to the story we were weaving together. I’d rather think back on that time when you sang to a crowd of total strangers about dreaming of being in love with me again, at a time when I was with someone new. And that same crowd slowly realizing that you were singing not to them but to someone standing right by the back door. And that someone being me. This way I am assured, even if only in the faintest of my recollections, that I’m still the one for you. Because you’re still the one for me.
And while I've always told you that I’ve never stopped counting our years together, I now feel that it’s time I stopped. For I’ve realized that counting is only for things that are finite. And our love just isn’t so. That being said, I want you to know that I’ve come to a decision. Much like the one I made a few years ago. I’m staying put, at the same time braving it out alone. I can't promise to be right where you left me. After all, time has a way of moving us all in a thousand strange directions. But nevertheless, I'll be awaiting your return. Yes—no matter what it takes, or how long it takes—I’ll be waiting. For my Love will never get old and tarnished, but will keep on growing and renewing in its own midst. For, to this very day, I love you. I simply and truly do.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Between
It’s
the most surreal thing. Knowing that he is now on his way out of your life. Yet
remembering how, just last night, you were sharing some of the biggest laughs
in recent memory. Yes, surreal is what you call it. When something feels
unreal, much like a dream. Or a nightmare, for that matter. When the one thing
you saw coming but never quite believed would, finally came. Crashing into the
present, from the future that was merely yesterday’s imagining.
It’s
like waking up in the morning, thinking it’s a brand-new day but feeling
disappointingly familiar. It’s like going to bed at night, wondering where the
day went, uncertain where the evening will go.
It’s
like having coffee on a roof deck after a long day at work. The stranger in
front of you awash in soft yellow light, his smile tantalizing you with
promises of what could be, his eyes conveying a sense of relief. Or was it
anticipation? You wonder to yourself, but only he knows.
It’s
like holding his hand, now no longer a stranger, amidst new strangers. And you
don’t care what they might be thinking. Hell, you care about nothing, not even
yourself. His soft skin grazes the back of your hand in a trance, and in an
instant you’re done. All is lost and regained at the same time.
It’s
like kissing him for the first time, your breathing heavy upon the cold air
between your faces. His, light as a feather. You try to conceal your excitement,
but your trembling fingers show their betrayal. He smiles, eyes closed, and
tomorrow becomes an object of great disdain.
It’s
like sleeping next to him, his head cradled snugly upon your flimsy chest. The
scent of his hair, you breathe in like life itself. You stare into the dark and
say a little prayer, that his dreams be sweet and tender, much like your love
for him, and that yours be one with his.
It’s
like everything and nothing colliding in slow motion, consuming each other in a
soundless explosion. You wonder what you did right to deserve someone so good. You
wonder what he did wrong to make you feel so bad. You keep on wondering, finding
no answers.
It’s
like being in a free fall, sensing it but never really feeling anything. It’s
like being in complete darkness, taking one bold step forward that amounts to
nothing. It’s like living before you first saw his smile, took his hand, kissed
his lips, held his soul in yours. You remember it all. A little too vividly,
like it was just yesterday.
But
it’s now as distant a memory as any.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
By Any Other Name Still
I bleed in painful rhapsody just to hold you
In a way I myself don’t quite understand;
In a way I myself don’t quite understand;
It’s as if you’re always flailing whenever you’re dancing with the wind.
And I can’t stand it, I can’t take it…
The droplets of dew on your soft, red cheeks
Each one of them I’ve tasted and longed for with all that’s left of me,
Oh just like how I’m still longing for you
Even though you’re mine now
(Or so you say…)
But no, I won’t pull you off your frail beauty,
Though I know in my heart it could only mean the end.
That my breasts will smell of you no more, I fear not
That red won’t be as soft as it was before, I fear not
That all I’d be left with is the rusty aftertaste
Of my rue relentless, I fear not…
For my only dread is that in my hands you’ll wither
And die in solitude.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Katipan
Dahan-dahan,
Ibinigkis dalawang duluhan ng aking mga pangarap
Di pa man tapos, samu’t sari na ang nadarama
Pikit-mata,
Inilatag buo kong pagkatao sa iyong kandungan
Mga ngiti’t kunot-noo, animo’y naghahatakan
Pigil-hininga,
Iminulat aking mga mata para lamang maluha
Sa labis na galak at bahagyang pagtataka
Bilog ay nabuo, soulmate daw kita
Alam ko katangahan, pero hayaan mo na-
E ako, soulmate mo rin kaya?
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