Intramuros

Bakit kailangan pang subukan ang isang bagay na alam na alam mo naman ang kahahantungan? Hindi ba puwedeng matuto ka na lang sa mga kwentong paulit-ulit mo nang narinig? O kaya nama’y sa mga sarili mong kwentong may pagkakatulad din naman ng takbo sa kasalukuyan. Kailangan ba talagang madapa ka na naman para lang matutunan ang isang bagay na alam mo na rin naman talaga sa kaibuturan mo? Katangahan ba talagang matatawag ito? O sadyang ang puso ay walang pakialam? Walang patawad. Paasahin ka, araw-gabi, dahil lang nginitian ka nya nang pagkatamis habang sambit ang pangalan mo. Dahil lang hindi mo makuhang limutin ang init ng kanyang yakap, ang tamis ng kanyang halik. Dahil isang gabi, ipinaramdam nya sa’yo kung gaano ka kahalaga sa kanya. Subalit sapat na ba talagang dahilan ang lahat nang ‘yon? Upang sa susunod na mga araw ay mangulila ka sa tunog ng kanyang boses? At ang mga gabi'y magmistulang araw na rin, dahil sa tuwing pagpikit mo ay ang liwanag ng kanyang titig ang bumubungad sa'yong gunita? Sapat na bang umasa ka sa isang bagay na magkatotoo man ay magdudulot din ng di masukat na sakit sa iba pang mga tao, na parang kailan lang ay sila ring nagpalundag sa inyong nahihimlay na mga puso? Sapat na bang isantabi, kalimutan ang lahat para lang malaman ang sagot sa’yong mga katanungan? Sapat na bang subukan mong punan ang pagkukulang na ni sa hinagap ay di mo inakalang naroroon? Sapat na ba ang minsan para sa kailanman?

IN THE END.. [This Ain’t A Love Letter, Pt. 2]

“Do not think of my Love as old and tarnished, but constantly growing and renewing in its own midst. To this very day, I love you. I simply and truly do.” I still remember how I felt back when I wrote that part. I remember being filled with an overwhelming need to convey what I was feeling then, possibly for fear of the emotions escaping me, rendering me without a memory of that particular instant. And when it comes to you, Beng, I don’t ever want to forget. You are my rock. Always have been, always will be. With you around, I know it can’t be that bad. I know I can make it through whatever. Damn, I swore to keep this mush-free, but I just can’t help it. Now that you’re gone. 

They say it’s just one year, that it will simply fleet by, that you’d be back again before I know it. But all I know is I can barely get through the day without stopping in my tracks and clutching my chest at the thought of you being so far away. They say it just takes some getting used to, that I will be alright in no time. But I don’t want to get used to this. I can’t be alright like this. I don’t want us to become just another two people initially parted by distance and time and eventually by our own mutual desistance. 

I suppose all this blabbering is really just about me missing you so much like this. I never thought it could still be possible. That I’d go back to that same place from years before, when the mere thought of you could cut through my soul like nothing else could. That I’d once again feel lost without you. After all these years. After all those lovers after you. Love is one twisted dance, the steps to which I can’t ever seem to get right. Not without you. Tell me, why did we have to be apart the way we were? And why do we still have to be apart the way we are? 

Right now I’m flooded by memories of time spent with you and by reminders of time I could’ve spent with you. I don’t even care to think about other people. On your side or on mine. I’d rather think back on the time when it was just you and me, and everyone else was just instrumental to the story we were weaving together. I’d rather think back on that time when you sang to a crowd of total strangers about dreaming of being in love with me again, at a time when I was with someone new. And that same crowd slowly realizing that you were singing not to them but to someone standing right by the back door. And that someone being me. This way I am assured, even if only in the faintest of my recollections, that I’m still the one for you. Because you’re still the one for me. 

And while I've always told you that I’ve never stopped counting our years together, I now feel that it’s time I stopped. For I’ve realized that counting is only for things that are finite. And our love just isn’t so. That being said, I want you to know that I’ve come to a decision. Much like the one I made a few years ago. I’m staying put, at the same time braving it out alone. I can't promise to be right where you left me. After all, time has a way of moving us all in a thousand strange directions. But nevertheless, I'll be awaiting your return. Yes—no matter what it takes, or how long it takes—I’ll be waiting. For my Love will never get old and tarnished, but will keep on growing and renewing in its own midst. For, to this very day, I love you. I simply and truly do.

Between

It’s the most surreal thing. Knowing that he is now on his way out of your life. Yet remembering how, just last night, you were sharing some of the biggest laughs in recent memory. Yes, surreal is what you call it. When something feels unreal, much like a dream. Or a nightmare, for that matter. When the one thing you saw coming but never quite believed would, finally came. Crashing into the present, from the future that was merely yesterday’s imagining.

It’s like waking up in the morning, thinking it’s a brand-new day but feeling disappointingly familiar. It’s like going to bed at night, wondering where the day went, uncertain where the evening will go.

It’s like having coffee on a roof deck after a long day at work. The stranger in front of you awash in soft yellow light, his smile tantalizing you with promises of what could be, his eyes conveying a sense of relief. Or was it anticipation? You wonder to yourself, but only he knows.

It’s like holding his hand, now no longer a stranger, amidst new strangers. And you don’t care what they might be thinking. Hell, you care about nothing, not even yourself. His soft skin grazes the back of your hand in a trance, and in an instant you’re done. All is lost and regained at the same time.

It’s like kissing him for the first time, your breathing heavy upon the cold air between your faces. His, light as a feather. You try to conceal your excitement, but your trembling fingers show their betrayal. He smiles, eyes closed, and tomorrow becomes an object of great disdain.

It’s like sleeping next to him, his head cradled snugly upon your flimsy chest. The scent of his hair, you breathe in like life itself. You stare into the dark and say a little prayer, that his dreams be sweet and tender, much like your love for him, and that yours be one with his.

It’s like everything and nothing colliding in slow motion, consuming each other in a soundless explosion. You wonder what you did right to deserve someone so good. You wonder what he did wrong to make you feel so bad. You keep on wondering, finding no answers.

It’s like being in a free fall, sensing it but never really feeling anything. It’s like being in complete darkness, taking one bold step forward that amounts to nothing. It’s like living before you first saw his smile, took his hand, kissed his lips, held his soul in yours. You remember it all. A little too vividly, like it was just yesterday.

But it’s now as distant a memory as any.

Surreal, yes. A dream, a nightmare. One you must, but cannot, wake up from.

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By Any Other Name Still

I bleed in painful rhapsody just to hold you
In a way I myself don’t quite understand; 

It’s as if you’re always flailing whenever you’re dancing with the wind. 

And I can’t stand it, I can’t take it… 

The droplets of dew on your soft, red cheeks 

Each one of them I’ve tasted and longed for with all that’s left of me, 

Oh just like how I’m still longing for you 

Even though you’re mine now 

(Or so you say…) 

But no, I won’t pull you off your frail beauty, 

Though I know in my heart it could only mean the end. 

That my breasts will smell of you no more, I fear not 

That red won’t be as soft as it was before, I fear not 

That all I’d be left with is the rusty aftertaste 

Of my rue relentless, I fear not… 

For my only dread is that in my hands you’ll wither 

And die in solitude. 

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Katipan

Dahan-dahan, 

Ibinigkis dalawang duluhan ng aking mga pangarap 

Di pa man tapos, samu’t sari na ang nadarama 

Pikit-mata, 

Inilatag buo kong pagkatao sa iyong kandungan 

Mga ngiti’t kunot-noo, animo’y naghahatakan 

Pigil-hininga, 

Iminulat aking mga mata para lamang maluha 

Sa labis na galak at bahagyang pagtataka 

Bilog ay nabuo, soulmate daw kita 

Alam ko katangahan, pero hayaan mo na-

E ako, soulmate mo rin kaya?

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UNbeknOwnst

I knew it.  That something had been changed. Irreversibly.  Beholding each other, I had the urge to look away. To break the wave of tenderness.  Emanating from within each of us.  Coursing through the space between us.  Gently enveloping the other.  We smiled.  Smiles seemingly devoid of meaning.  But bursting from innocent wonder.  Could it be?  Asked to shake hands, we reluctantly, shyly obliged.  Another pair of smiles.  The nervous kind.  Perhaps from the electricity of the momentary contact.  Then we both turned.  Went our separate ways.  It felt like the end of the world for me.  But my heart assured me it was just the beginning.  But the anxiety lingered on.  When might I see you again?  It would be different, I know.  Just how so, I could not possibly tell.  Then came the day for us to meet again.  It could not have been predicted.  We were both alone.  But aware of each other’s presence.  We sent out random smiles.  Still the nervous kind.  Half-heartedly, I went on with my lunch.  With you sitting right across me.  If only I could capture that very moment.  And make it last for as long as I could.  I knew it.  That something had been changed.  Irreversibly. From the way you smiled.  Not at me.  But through me.  You have become aware.  Of my existence.  Of the way I feel for you.  And it gave you all the power.  To trample on my heart.  Simply by ignoring me.  I held a glimmer of hope, you know.  But just like that, you took it away.  I knew it.  That you would break my heart.  Even without asking me for it.

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Himay, Hikbi, Hilom

“Gagawin ko ang lahat, ‘wag mo lang akong iwan.” Ako mismo naririndi na sa sarili kong boses, sa paulit-ulit kong pagsusumamo. Parang sirang plaka, sabi nga ng isang kanta.

Nanatili s’yang nakatitig sa ‘kin, gamit ang mga matang ni katiting na pagturing ay wala akong maaninag.

Sino ka? Ano’ng ginawa mo sa taong kamakailan lang ay mahal na mahal ako? Nais kong ibulalas, pasumbat. Subalit inalipin ako ng takot na baka lalo lang s’yang lumayo sa ‘kin. Muli, ang titig n’yang sinlamig ng pakiramdam sa ‘king kaibuturan.

***

“Bakit ako? Sa dinami-dami naman ng iba’ng puwede diyan.”

“Diyan. Katuwa ka talaga, Bibi. Di-yan. Buong-buo,” panunukso niya sa akin.

“Para lamang pagsinta ko sa iyo, buong-buo. Walang kahati. Walang kaparis.” May bahagyang bugnot kong tugon.

Napansin niya yata, kaya’t agad na kinuha ang aking mga kamay upang halikan. Leche, Emil, ang hina mo talagang bata ka. Alam na alam niya kung paano ako pangingitiin, kung paano papawiin ang aking dinaramdam. Bakit nga ba ako? At ako na ba talaga?

***

Nakatungo na lang ako, tuliro, ‘di alam kung ano pa’ng sasabihin para lang mabago ang isip n’ya. Sa ‘kin kasi, madali na’ng pasundin ang damdamin, basta sumang-ayon na ang isip. Pero ‘di ko sukat akalaing ganito pala kahirap.

“Siya na lamang kasi talaga e. Sa puso ko, sa isip ko. Hindi ko alam. Kung paano nangyari, kung kailan. Basta nangyari. Sana mapatawad mo pa ako, Dy.”

Dy? Lumundag ang puso ko, waring itinunghay ang ulo ko mula sa pagkakatungo.

“Lan. Dylan,” agad n’yang dugtong, may pait sa kan’yang mga labi.

‘Tang ina. “Di ba p’wedeng Dy na lang ulit? Ikaw pa rin kasi talaga, Bibi.” Para ‘kong kandilang nauupos sa ‘king kinauupuan. ‘Tang ina talaga. Ansakit.

“Please,” tanging sagot n’ya.

***

“Emilio, pasaan ka na naman n’yan ha?” Ang maurirat kong katrabaho, singgang-singga na naman.

“Saan pa, e ‘di sa mahal ko!” Sabay ngisi hanggang dulo ng walang hanggan.

“Sa Batangas? Grabe ka ha, straight from a 12-hour shift? Totohanan na ‘ata ‘yan.”

Napangiti na lamang ako. Dahil sa puso ko, alam ko’ng ito’y totoo. Totoong-totoo. Dy, I’m coming home.

***

Lumamig na ang siomai at mami sa harapan ko. Nagpalitan na ang mga kumakain sa carinderia. Sa ‘di kalayuan, tumutulak na palabas ng terminal ang bus na maghahatid sa ‘kin pauwi ng Batangas.

“Yaong bus mo, umaandar na.” May inip sa boses n’ya.

Ako naman ang napatitig na lang sa kan’ya. Hindi para magmakaawa, kundi para ipahiwatig na sinusubukan ko’ng unawain ang lahat. Pero ang hirap pa rin talaga.

Hindi n’ya makuhang salubungin ang aking tingin. Hiya? Suya? Hindi ko rin masabi. Tumayo na ‘ko at naglapag ng pambayad sa pagkaing ‘di ko man lang nagalaw.

“Ako na, ha?”

Nakuha pang manlibre ng gago. Kunsabagay.

***

“Salamat, Bibi, ha? Pa’no na lang ako kung wala ka?” Sabay hilig niya sa aking balikat. Nasa bus kami, paluwas na ulit ako. Hatid lamang niya ako hanggang sa kabilang bus stop.

“Inang, may nagda-drama. Ano ka ba? E siyempre naman, ganito talaga.” Mahal na mahal ko siya. Napatitig na lamang ako sa kaniya. Bakas ang pagal sa mukha at tinig, subalit parang hindi alintana. Dahil daw kasama na niya ako.

“Mahal na mahal kita. Mahal na mah..” Ang araw ng aking daigdig, tuluyan nang inilubog ng maghapong pagyao't-ito. Ayan, alintana na.

“Mahal din kita, Dy. Mahal na mahal.” Sabay hilig ko sa ulo niyang nakahilig sa akin. At sa aking pagpikit, dama ko ang pagguhit ng isang mainit at matamis na ngiti sa aking mga labi. Ako nga. Ako na talaga.

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This Ain't A Love Letter

Much has been written and said about Love—how it begins, goes, ends, and comes full circle in due time. And being hapless novices falling deep and hard even before realizing so, we inadvertently accept what we are told as gospel truths.

We learn to believe that Love starts with a seemingly innocuous spark, then spreads like wild forest fire, consuming our very beings in such an indescribable rapture. We learn to believe that Love, like everything else, reaches a plateau where we must finally take control of and absolute responsibility for the things we do. We learn to believe that that same plateau must end in a steep precipice, upon which we must decide whether to give up or to fight on. We learn to believe that regardless of our choice, we must suffer tremendously, feeling immense pain and longing as though our souls were about to leave their earthly vessels, never to return. We learn to believe that in the darkness and gloom of the days that would follow, hope eventually springs forth, drops of sunlight trickling down from the roof of the empty cavern that has become of us.

Vivid and precise these accounts may seem to get, they simply pertain to a Love other than Ours; for no matter what they say, only we can tell whether what we have is indeed Love.

Having said all that, I want to let you know that I myself have found myself standing on the edge of that precipice, and I have now come to a decision: I am staying with you. But at the same time I would like you to let go. Of every notion you hold of me. Of every reason you have had for choosing to love me then. Of every memory of my quivering voice and the sweetness of my smile. Of the things I have and have not done for you. Just let it all go. For I am not the same person anymore, and neither are you. Unwittingly, we have both been transformed by the Love that we have been holding between us. We have changed in a thousand different ways until we started to doubt each other’s Love. I refuse to believe that that is the way it is supposed to go; I believe our changed selves only serve to remind us that we are also meant to evolve as a couple. So this I say to you: Do not think of my Love as old and tarnished, but constantly growing and renewing in its own midst. To this very day, I love you. I simply and truly do.

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Like A Virgin

Here I go again. Trying. Not so much my luck as my determination. To put up and keep a blog. For the nth time. I don’t know. But it just feels as though the writer in me has been in some deep slumber since who-knows-when. And here I am. Sitting in silence. Typing away to create a semblance of activity. But essentially accomplishing nothing. Basically just waiting. Awaiting The Awakening. Just when it’s gonna happen, time alone will tell.

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