Between

It’s the most surreal thing. Knowing that he is now on his way out of your life. Yet remembering how, just last night, you were sharing some of the biggest laughs in recent memory. Yes, surreal is what you call it. When something feels unreal, much like a dream. Or a nightmare, for that matter. When the one thing you saw coming but never quite believed would, finally came. Crashing into the present, from the future that was merely yesterday’s imagining.

It’s like waking up in the morning, thinking it’s a brand-new day but feeling disappointingly familiar. It’s like going to bed at night, wondering where the day went, uncertain where the evening will go.

It’s like having coffee on a roof deck after a long day at work. The stranger in front of you awash in soft yellow light, his smile tantalizing you with promises of what could be, his eyes conveying a sense of relief. Or was it anticipation? You wonder to yourself, but only he knows.

It’s like holding his hand, now no longer a stranger, amidst new strangers. And you don’t care what they might be thinking. Hell, you care about nothing, not even yourself. His soft skin grazes the back of your hand in a trance, and in an instant you’re done. All is lost and regained at the same time.

It’s like kissing him for the first time, your breathing heavy upon the cold air between your faces. His, light as a feather. You try to conceal your excitement, but your trembling fingers show their betrayal. He smiles, eyes closed, and tomorrow becomes an object of great disdain.

It’s like sleeping next to him, his head cradled snugly upon your flimsy chest. The scent of his hair, you breathe in like life itself. You stare into the dark and say a little prayer, that his dreams be sweet and tender, much like your love for him, and that yours be one with his.

It’s like everything and nothing colliding in slow motion, consuming each other in a soundless explosion. You wonder what you did right to deserve someone so good. You wonder what he did wrong to make you feel so bad. You keep on wondering, finding no answers.

It’s like being in a free fall, sensing it but never really feeling anything. It’s like being in complete darkness, taking one bold step forward that amounts to nothing. It’s like living before you first saw his smile, took his hand, kissed his lips, held his soul in yours. You remember it all. A little too vividly, like it was just yesterday.

But it’s now as distant a memory as any.

Surreal, yes. A dream, a nightmare. One you must, but cannot, wake up from.

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