Intramuros

Bakit kailangan pang subukan ang isang bagay na alam na alam mo naman ang kahahantungan? Hindi ba puwedeng matuto ka na lang sa mga kwentong paulit-ulit mo nang narinig? O kaya nama’y sa mga sarili mong kwentong may pagkakatulad din naman ng takbo sa kasalukuyan. Kailangan ba talagang madapa ka na naman para lang matutunan ang isang bagay na alam mo na rin naman talaga sa kaibuturan mo? Katangahan ba talagang matatawag ito? O sadyang ang puso ay walang pakialam? Walang patawad. Paasahin ka, araw-gabi, dahil lang nginitian ka nya nang pagkatamis habang sambit ang pangalan mo. Dahil lang hindi mo makuhang limutin ang init ng kanyang yakap, ang tamis ng kanyang halik. Dahil isang gabi, ipinaramdam nya sa’yo kung gaano ka kahalaga sa kanya. Subalit sapat na ba talagang dahilan ang lahat nang ‘yon? Upang sa susunod na mga araw ay mangulila ka sa tunog ng kanyang boses? At ang mga gabi'y magmistulang araw na rin, dahil sa tuwing pagpikit mo ay ang liwanag ng kanyang titig ang bumubungad sa'yong gunita? Sapat na bang umasa ka sa isang bagay na magkatotoo man ay magdudulot din ng di masukat na sakit sa iba pang mga tao, na parang kailan lang ay sila ring nagpalundag sa inyong nahihimlay na mga puso? Sapat na bang isantabi, kalimutan ang lahat para lang malaman ang sagot sa’yong mga katanungan? Sapat na bang subukan mong punan ang pagkukulang na ni sa hinagap ay di mo inakalang naroroon? Sapat na ba ang minsan para sa kailanman?

Between

It’s the most surreal thing. Knowing that he is now on his way out of your life. Yet remembering how, just last night, you were sharing some of the biggest laughs in recent memory. Yes, surreal is what you call it. When something feels unreal, much like a dream. Or a nightmare, for that matter. When the one thing you saw coming but never quite believed would, finally came. Crashing into the present, from the future that was merely yesterday’s imagining.

It’s like waking up in the morning, thinking it’s a brand-new day but feeling disappointingly familiar. It’s like going to bed at night, wondering where the day went, uncertain where the evening will go.

It’s like having coffee on a roof deck after a long day at work. The stranger in front of you awash in soft yellow light, his smile tantalizing you with promises of what could be, his eyes conveying a sense of relief. Or was it anticipation? You wonder to yourself, but only he knows.

It’s like holding his hand, now no longer a stranger, amidst new strangers. And you don’t care what they might be thinking. Hell, you care about nothing, not even yourself. His soft skin grazes the back of your hand in a trance, and in an instant you’re done. All is lost and regained at the same time.

It’s like kissing him for the first time, your breathing heavy upon the cold air between your faces. His, light as a feather. You try to conceal your excitement, but your trembling fingers show their betrayal. He smiles, eyes closed, and tomorrow becomes an object of great disdain.

It’s like sleeping next to him, his head cradled snugly upon your flimsy chest. The scent of his hair, you breathe in like life itself. You stare into the dark and say a little prayer, that his dreams be sweet and tender, much like your love for him, and that yours be one with his.

It’s like everything and nothing colliding in slow motion, consuming each other in a soundless explosion. You wonder what you did right to deserve someone so good. You wonder what he did wrong to make you feel so bad. You keep on wondering, finding no answers.

It’s like being in a free fall, sensing it but never really feeling anything. It’s like being in complete darkness, taking one bold step forward that amounts to nothing. It’s like living before you first saw his smile, took his hand, kissed his lips, held his soul in yours. You remember it all. A little too vividly, like it was just yesterday.

But it’s now as distant a memory as any.

Surreal, yes. A dream, a nightmare. One you must, but cannot, wake up from.

Photo credit

Katipan

Dahan-dahan, 

Ibinigkis dalawang duluhan ng aking mga pangarap 

Di pa man tapos, samu’t sari na ang nadarama 

Pikit-mata, 

Inilatag buo kong pagkatao sa iyong kandungan 

Mga ngiti’t kunot-noo, animo’y naghahatakan 

Pigil-hininga, 

Iminulat aking mga mata para lamang maluha 

Sa labis na galak at bahagyang pagtataka 

Bilog ay nabuo, soulmate daw kita 

Alam ko katangahan, pero hayaan mo na-

E ako, soulmate mo rin kaya?

Photo credit

UNbeknOwnst

I knew it.  That something had been changed. Irreversibly.  Beholding each other, I had the urge to look away. To break the wave of tenderness.  Emanating from within each of us.  Coursing through the space between us.  Gently enveloping the other.  We smiled.  Smiles seemingly devoid of meaning.  But bursting from innocent wonder.  Could it be?  Asked to shake hands, we reluctantly, shyly obliged.  Another pair of smiles.  The nervous kind.  Perhaps from the electricity of the momentary contact.  Then we both turned.  Went our separate ways.  It felt like the end of the world for me.  But my heart assured me it was just the beginning.  But the anxiety lingered on.  When might I see you again?  It would be different, I know.  Just how so, I could not possibly tell.  Then came the day for us to meet again.  It could not have been predicted.  We were both alone.  But aware of each other’s presence.  We sent out random smiles.  Still the nervous kind.  Half-heartedly, I went on with my lunch.  With you sitting right across me.  If only I could capture that very moment.  And make it last for as long as I could.  I knew it.  That something had been changed.  Irreversibly. From the way you smiled.  Not at me.  But through me.  You have become aware.  Of my existence.  Of the way I feel for you.  And it gave you all the power.  To trample on my heart.  Simply by ignoring me.  I held a glimmer of hope, you know.  But just like that, you took it away.  I knew it.  That you would break my heart.  Even without asking me for it.

Photo credit