Between

It’s the most surreal thing. Knowing that he is now on his way out of your life. Yet remembering how, just last night, you were sharing some of the biggest laughs in recent memory. Yes, surreal is what you call it. When something feels unreal, much like a dream. Or a nightmare, for that matter. When the one thing you saw coming but never quite believed would, finally came. Crashing into the present, from the future that was merely yesterday’s imagining.

It’s like waking up in the morning, thinking it’s a brand-new day but feeling disappointingly familiar. It’s like going to bed at night, wondering where the day went, uncertain where the evening will go.

It’s like having coffee on a roof deck after a long day at work. The stranger in front of you awash in soft yellow light, his smile tantalizing you with promises of what could be, his eyes conveying a sense of relief. Or was it anticipation? You wonder to yourself, but only he knows.

It’s like holding his hand, now no longer a stranger, amidst new strangers. And you don’t care what they might be thinking. Hell, you care about nothing, not even yourself. His soft skin grazes the back of your hand in a trance, and in an instant you’re done. All is lost and regained at the same time.

It’s like kissing him for the first time, your breathing heavy upon the cold air between your faces. His, light as a feather. You try to conceal your excitement, but your trembling fingers show their betrayal. He smiles, eyes closed, and tomorrow becomes an object of great disdain.

It’s like sleeping next to him, his head cradled snugly upon your flimsy chest. The scent of his hair, you breathe in like life itself. You stare into the dark and say a little prayer, that his dreams be sweet and tender, much like your love for him, and that yours be one with his.

It’s like everything and nothing colliding in slow motion, consuming each other in a soundless explosion. You wonder what you did right to deserve someone so good. You wonder what he did wrong to make you feel so bad. You keep on wondering, finding no answers.

It’s like being in a free fall, sensing it but never really feeling anything. It’s like being in complete darkness, taking one bold step forward that amounts to nothing. It’s like living before you first saw his smile, took his hand, kissed his lips, held his soul in yours. You remember it all. A little too vividly, like it was just yesterday.

But it’s now as distant a memory as any.

Surreal, yes. A dream, a nightmare. One you must, but cannot, wake up from.

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By Any Other Name Still

I bleed in painful rhapsody just to hold you
In a way I myself don’t quite understand; 

It’s as if you’re always flailing whenever you’re dancing with the wind. 

And I can’t stand it, I can’t take it… 

The droplets of dew on your soft, red cheeks 

Each one of them I’ve tasted and longed for with all that’s left of me, 

Oh just like how I’m still longing for you 

Even though you’re mine now 

(Or so you say…) 

But no, I won’t pull you off your frail beauty, 

Though I know in my heart it could only mean the end. 

That my breasts will smell of you no more, I fear not 

That red won’t be as soft as it was before, I fear not 

That all I’d be left with is the rusty aftertaste 

Of my rue relentless, I fear not… 

For my only dread is that in my hands you’ll wither 

And die in solitude. 

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Katipan

Dahan-dahan, 

Ibinigkis dalawang duluhan ng aking mga pangarap 

Di pa man tapos, samu’t sari na ang nadarama 

Pikit-mata, 

Inilatag buo kong pagkatao sa iyong kandungan 

Mga ngiti’t kunot-noo, animo’y naghahatakan 

Pigil-hininga, 

Iminulat aking mga mata para lamang maluha 

Sa labis na galak at bahagyang pagtataka 

Bilog ay nabuo, soulmate daw kita 

Alam ko katangahan, pero hayaan mo na-

E ako, soulmate mo rin kaya?

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UNbeknOwnst

I knew it.  That something had been changed. Irreversibly.  Beholding each other, I had the urge to look away. To break the wave of tenderness.  Emanating from within each of us.  Coursing through the space between us.  Gently enveloping the other.  We smiled.  Smiles seemingly devoid of meaning.  But bursting from innocent wonder.  Could it be?  Asked to shake hands, we reluctantly, shyly obliged.  Another pair of smiles.  The nervous kind.  Perhaps from the electricity of the momentary contact.  Then we both turned.  Went our separate ways.  It felt like the end of the world for me.  But my heart assured me it was just the beginning.  But the anxiety lingered on.  When might I see you again?  It would be different, I know.  Just how so, I could not possibly tell.  Then came the day for us to meet again.  It could not have been predicted.  We were both alone.  But aware of each other’s presence.  We sent out random smiles.  Still the nervous kind.  Half-heartedly, I went on with my lunch.  With you sitting right across me.  If only I could capture that very moment.  And make it last for as long as I could.  I knew it.  That something had been changed.  Irreversibly. From the way you smiled.  Not at me.  But through me.  You have become aware.  Of my existence.  Of the way I feel for you.  And it gave you all the power.  To trample on my heart.  Simply by ignoring me.  I held a glimmer of hope, you know.  But just like that, you took it away.  I knew it.  That you would break my heart.  Even without asking me for it.

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Himay, Hikbi, Hilom

“Gagawin ko ang lahat, ‘wag mo lang akong iwan.” Ako mismo naririndi na sa sarili kong boses, sa paulit-ulit kong pagsusumamo. Parang sirang plaka, sabi nga ng isang kanta.

Nanatili s’yang nakatitig sa ‘kin, gamit ang mga matang ni katiting na pagturing ay wala akong maaninag.

Sino ka? Ano’ng ginawa mo sa taong kamakailan lang ay mahal na mahal ako? Nais kong ibulalas, pasumbat. Subalit inalipin ako ng takot na baka lalo lang s’yang lumayo sa ‘kin. Muli, ang titig n’yang sinlamig ng pakiramdam sa ‘king kaibuturan.

***

“Bakit ako? Sa dinami-dami naman ng iba’ng puwede diyan.”

“Diyan. Katuwa ka talaga, Bibi. Di-yan. Buong-buo,” panunukso niya sa akin.

“Para lamang pagsinta ko sa iyo, buong-buo. Walang kahati. Walang kaparis.” May bahagyang bugnot kong tugon.

Napansin niya yata, kaya’t agad na kinuha ang aking mga kamay upang halikan. Leche, Emil, ang hina mo talagang bata ka. Alam na alam niya kung paano ako pangingitiin, kung paano papawiin ang aking dinaramdam. Bakit nga ba ako? At ako na ba talaga?

***

Nakatungo na lang ako, tuliro, ‘di alam kung ano pa’ng sasabihin para lang mabago ang isip n’ya. Sa ‘kin kasi, madali na’ng pasundin ang damdamin, basta sumang-ayon na ang isip. Pero ‘di ko sukat akalaing ganito pala kahirap.

“Siya na lamang kasi talaga e. Sa puso ko, sa isip ko. Hindi ko alam. Kung paano nangyari, kung kailan. Basta nangyari. Sana mapatawad mo pa ako, Dy.”

Dy? Lumundag ang puso ko, waring itinunghay ang ulo ko mula sa pagkakatungo.

“Lan. Dylan,” agad n’yang dugtong, may pait sa kan’yang mga labi.

‘Tang ina. “Di ba p’wedeng Dy na lang ulit? Ikaw pa rin kasi talaga, Bibi.” Para ‘kong kandilang nauupos sa ‘king kinauupuan. ‘Tang ina talaga. Ansakit.

“Please,” tanging sagot n’ya.

***

“Emilio, pasaan ka na naman n’yan ha?” Ang maurirat kong katrabaho, singgang-singga na naman.

“Saan pa, e ‘di sa mahal ko!” Sabay ngisi hanggang dulo ng walang hanggan.

“Sa Batangas? Grabe ka ha, straight from a 12-hour shift? Totohanan na ‘ata ‘yan.”

Napangiti na lamang ako. Dahil sa puso ko, alam ko’ng ito’y totoo. Totoong-totoo. Dy, I’m coming home.

***

Lumamig na ang siomai at mami sa harapan ko. Nagpalitan na ang mga kumakain sa carinderia. Sa ‘di kalayuan, tumutulak na palabas ng terminal ang bus na maghahatid sa ‘kin pauwi ng Batangas.

“Yaong bus mo, umaandar na.” May inip sa boses n’ya.

Ako naman ang napatitig na lang sa kan’ya. Hindi para magmakaawa, kundi para ipahiwatig na sinusubukan ko’ng unawain ang lahat. Pero ang hirap pa rin talaga.

Hindi n’ya makuhang salubungin ang aking tingin. Hiya? Suya? Hindi ko rin masabi. Tumayo na ‘ko at naglapag ng pambayad sa pagkaing ‘di ko man lang nagalaw.

“Ako na, ha?”

Nakuha pang manlibre ng gago. Kunsabagay.

***

“Salamat, Bibi, ha? Pa’no na lang ako kung wala ka?” Sabay hilig niya sa aking balikat. Nasa bus kami, paluwas na ulit ako. Hatid lamang niya ako hanggang sa kabilang bus stop.

“Inang, may nagda-drama. Ano ka ba? E siyempre naman, ganito talaga.” Mahal na mahal ko siya. Napatitig na lamang ako sa kaniya. Bakas ang pagal sa mukha at tinig, subalit parang hindi alintana. Dahil daw kasama na niya ako.

“Mahal na mahal kita. Mahal na mah..” Ang araw ng aking daigdig, tuluyan nang inilubog ng maghapong pagyao't-ito. Ayan, alintana na.

“Mahal din kita, Dy. Mahal na mahal.” Sabay hilig ko sa ulo niyang nakahilig sa akin. At sa aking pagpikit, dama ko ang pagguhit ng isang mainit at matamis na ngiti sa aking mga labi. Ako nga. Ako na talaga.

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